"For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die." Galatians 2:19-21
On the night of August 2 or 3, 1993 when I asked Jesus Christ to forgive me of my sins and become Lord of my life He forgave me immediately. He declared me justified. He washed me in His cleansing blood and now the Heavenly Father looks on me through the crimson lens of His son's blood and sees me "just as if I'd never sinned." Isn't that a glorious thing? As far as His becoming Lord of my life, well that is a daily process to be perfectly honest. I didn't fully understand what that meant a 9 years of age or may be I had a better grasp on it then than I do now. :) Either way, I have been in the process of sanctification ever since that day. 21 years of seeking to become more like Christ and I will remain in that process till I pass through Heaven's gates.
I have shared the struggles and the triumphs here with you in the hopes that you might be encouraged in your own walk. But I realized in the last two weeks that it has been more struggles than triumphs because it feels weird to brag on myself even when it is to the glory of God. One family member reached out to me and shared that they felt I was too hard on myself in my walk with Christ. Another shared that I am too consumed with self. While a trusted minister mentioned that he was detecting a history of legalism in my life and another asked me to unpack the brokenness in my life that led me to say that I doubted God wanted to bless me. A good hard cry later and I was ready to get down to the nitty gritty of my life. It was time for me to take a hard look at myself. And it all boiled down to one thing ... legalism.
Not legalism as far as the denomination I was raised in or how my parents raised me, even though they'll admit that when my brother and I were young they were quite legalistic about some things ... they were a little more relaxed by the time my sister was growing up, though she may see it differently. I discovered that the legalism that is present in my life has been placed there by my own hands. I have set standards for myself that I struggle to live up to and yet I can extend grace upon grace to those around me for any and every thing in their life. Yet, I go over my life, my actions, my thoughts with a fine tooth comb again and again. While I am not a people-pleaser by nature I do care about what people think about me and it often consumes me.
Where does this come from? Well I think growing up in the ministry I always knew I was being watched. We lived in a proverbial fishbowl. I remember when I was 6 years old the pastor's 16 year old daughter became pregnant at the church where my dad was on staff. I remember the looks, the shocked whispers and seeing her walk the hallways at church very pregnant. I was secretly fascinated but I also knew this wasn't a celebratory situation like when my mom was pregnant with my little sister around the same time. On some level, I knew her parents were hurting but at the same time welcomed this new baby in their home. I also knew it was hard to live this out in front of an entire church.
My parents had prepared us early on that church members had certain expectations of us and some even hoped to see us fail. I think at that point I decided that failure was never an option. I set standards for myself that, while they were good as far as keeping myself in check, didn't allow any room for error. And when I did fail, in my eyes, all I could see was someone who must be a huge disappointment to God. Why couldn't I get it right? I believe Satan feasted on these rules in my life and it was the root for a lot of self esteem issues to the extent that I am consumed with self now.
Last week, in Singles Lab I was able to change my where I am now statement to this ... "I'm tired of being seen as wounded by the church and doubting God wants to bless me because of a self-imposed somewhat legalistic, checklist faith. I want off this hamster wheel." I still love the fact that I grew up in the ministry and hope to serve the Lord through ministry for the rest of my life. While certain experiences at each church have definitely left their mark on me, I have come to realize that my greatest enemy has been myself. I am working on taking a step back and accepting the grace that has been given to me. The grace that continues to be given to me and resting in it. I want to let go of the limitations I have placed on a limitless God and sink into His unconditional love for me. If His grace were a pile of freshly raked up Fall leaves I would want to jump in it again and again. I want to live out that kind of faith and invite others to join me.
I love you all!
Blessings ...
- Melody Faith
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