"Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me." John 15:4 Amplified Bible
This is my 3rd verse for 2015 and I'll confess I'm not doing the best job of memorizing but I'm going to work on it. I keep my note cards in my purse so they are always with me. But I do love the verses that the Lord has been leading me to focus on and even though I shouldn't be, I am amazed at how they apply to my life.
The month of January was a hard month. I really struggled with my emotions. As a matter of fact, this season that I am in as been one of the hardest that I have been through in a very long time. I have cried and prayed through it. On Monday, as I was proctoring an exam for one student, I wrote in my prayer journal ... I was completely honest with the Lord and told Him that He was going to have to get me through this ... to please show me what was/is going on. I had a peace that He would. I didn't expect Him to answer so quickly but when I saw this picture on Pinterest something triggered in my heart and the pieces started coming together.
Let me be clear that I am not in love with love but I am consumed with not being alone so much so that it is sucking the life out of me. Yes, I am introvert and love my alone time ... in fact I need my alone time. However, my irrational fear of missing out on a life with someone else has me missing out on life all together. It even has me hoping that the Lord continues to tarry His return. I realized that once again the Lord is not working on my timeline. I had a taste of what could have been this past summer and when that ended I pushed those feelings out of the way. Our family dealt with an unexpected and devastating loss shortly after which rightfully overshadowed everything else. As time has painfully moved on parts of life has resurfaced. At that point I felt it was silly to grieve over the loss of those hopes and dreams from the summer and I certainly didn't want anyone to know that I was still hurting over it especially when everyone assured me I was better off. Another realization is that while I am a romantic a heart (I confess, it's true) I am also a people pleaser which is something I have denied about myself for a very long time. I am only this way with those that I am closest to. Everyone said to not give it a second thought. So I didn't. I kept burying those feelings further down and focusing on other things. And while I know that God has something greater in store it was still a first for me. I had hoped that by waiting so long to be in a relationship that I would only be in one relationship ever ... that I would only give my heart away once. But the truth is I have been in love before just not in a relationship. So here I am and all these strange emotions are welling up inside that refuse to be ignored any more. I hurt over what could have been, what I had hoped for and the dreams I had had for this year. It doesn't mean that God doesn't necessarily have those things in store for me but I am tired of wondering. It's almost like I want to take a break from hoping and I just might. I think I need a rest. :)
My father gave me some advice when I opened up to him and my mom yesterday about how much I am hurting right now ... he said, "I do not want to be insensitive but sometimes the best thing to do is to say nothing. But do keep in mind, I know nothing can really make things better in the present than a positive reversal of some kind, but you still have a lot of life to live and plenty of time to accomplish the desires of your heart. What keeps me going is to focus on what I have instead of what I don't have ..." I'll admit that at first I was bugged by the fact that his spiritual gift is prophecy. Ha! But I need the hard truth of his words.
This past weekend in West Tennessee with my family was a truly wonderful time but, personally, it was a struggle. I was battling some very mean thoughts about myself. I hated every single picture that showed up on social media of me from the weekend and decided that I would hide from this point on. :) Here's me hiding. Ha! However, in the midst of my inner battle I did stop the negativity parade long enough to enjoy my mom's piano playing, singing with my dad and hearing him preach, the long conversations with my sister on the drive down there, the hugs, laughter and stolen kisses of my 4 year old nephew, the conversations and time spent getting pampered with my sister in law and the stories that only my brother can tell ... and the laughter that only he can bring out of us. I also got to see my grandmother, my uncle and aunt, my sister in law's family and a dear family friend as well as the wonderful people at my parents' church. It was a great weekend. The enemy wanted to distract me from that and at times he did but he didn't get the entire weekend. At the end of the day I just wanted to be at home back in my little safe bubble of loneliness that I only enjoy on my terms. LOL!!
So as I focus on GRACE this year and how that applies in all areas of my life I am going to step back once again and release control of my life. I am going to let myself grieve over the loss of my hopes and dreams in order to surrender to His plan for me. I know His plan is the best but it doesn't mean it's the easiest to go with. :) I believe if you were to look at the road map of my life it would be filled with many detours and alerts to reroute the course but He hasn't led me in the wrong direction yet so why do I think He'll start now? This next week I am going to focus on dwelling and abiding in Him - being vitally united to Him - so that He can bear much fruit in me in the days and years to come.
Have a blessed weekend.
I love you all.
Dwelling in Him ...
- Melody Faith
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