I have always known I care way too much about what people think about me. I believe it is one way the Lord keeps me at His feet continually. :) However, there are times where it can become downright unhealthy. I'll be honest with you ... no one ever has to waste their breath body shaming me or tearing down my appearance, I do that just fine on my own on a fairly regular basis. I understand both sides of the latest articles out there on "fat shaming" and "who are you to tell me I can't #RockACropTop" that seem to hit the internet on a daily basis. I also understand that modesty is a dying art but it can be an idol as well. To me we are crying out for balance. Yes, in a perfect world everyone would be at the ideal healthy weight for their body and height but we aren't. There are many factors that prohibit people from gaining and losing weight and it's not always as simple as diet and exercise or the lack of desire to do something about it. Until it is that simple and the other issues have been resolved then let's work on having beautiful, affordable clothing for people of larger sizes as well as beautiful, affordable clothing for people of smaller sizes that all fit and cover accordingly. That would be my ideal meaning of balance on this whole issue.
So, why am I sharing this with you? Well, this past weekend I was at the beach. It was my first time to step foot in the Gulf of Mexico in 14 years. It had been 7 years since I had seen an ocean in person. Being in a bathing suit for several days, laying out on the sand and trying to get up without looking like a beached whale every single time was a truly humbling experience. My sweet friend, whom I traveled with is, completely comfortable in her own skin therefore after a few hours on the beach we'd run around before heading back to her parents. I have never felt so exposed in all my life but I had made up this little saying of "vacation flow" for the weekend. It was my reminder that I was on vacation and I was going to go with the flow. So I did. And I was good until I would come across a mirror then reality would sink in all over again. But I pushed through.
"Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." Matthew 6:21
Here's my thought process: I want to be found beautiful on the outside ... not just on the inside. :) I don't want to wait for someone to get to know me before they can decide if I am pretty or not. It's why change my hair color and cut so much. When I get bored with my appearance or feel stuck in a rut, I alter my look. It is a quick fix. I love wearing makeup because I like the way it looks but I also wear it because I believe I need to wear it. My fingernails are painted all the time because I don't like the way they look without polish. I am a hot natured person but I dress in layers because my arms aren't toned and I don't have a flat stomach ... and I don't want people staring at me wondering if I have "looked in a mirror lately".
While at the beach my friend did my hair and my makeup. She showed me a few things and one day I was looking fierce. I was so excited. I did my own makeup but she had straightened my hair and it was sassy. I was feeling sassy. Men can have the swagger ... Melody has her sass! So I tried taking a few selfies on the beach to show I had been there. We left our phones in the car on the days before so we wouldn't have to worry about them being stolen and to enjoy disconnecting for a while. I couldn't get a good shot of the ocean behind me and the wind was blowing constantly. I asked my friend to take a pic. She was having a hard time seeing and I gave her a smirk. I liked the picture but cropped out my body so all you saw was my smirking self and the ocean behind me. I posted it on my social media accounts with a silly comment about "here's the proof ... I'm here!" After several comments of genuine concern about how I didn't appear to be having a good time and asking why I wasn't smiling I took the picture down.
That's when I knew I cared too much about what people think and it was time to stop.
When I didn't receive the comments I had wanted I took the picture down. As my friends misunderstood my expression in the picture I misunderstood their intentions but I realized the extent of my obsession with my appearance right now. You might not see it since I haven't had any dramatic weight loss or whatever but it's there. This "words of affirmation" love language, introverted girl was stepping out to seek affirmation for her physical appearance and when it didn't come I caved.
The day before in Jesus Calling the whole devotion was about self-hatred. I was already convicted about the inward dialogue I was having prior to that reading but I should have known it was only scratching the surface of this issue. In a world full of selfies, selfie sticks, self help books, selfishness and self-centered ideologies, I humbly suggest we take ourselves out of the lens and put the focus back on Jesus Christ. It's time to sacrifice the idol of self and what others think about me in order to live a life that glorifies Christ. In "The Sacred Search" Gary Thomas writes, "Jesus wasn't moved by the opinion of His friends or the threat of His enemies. He lived entirely to fulfill the will of God." I want to be about my Father's business and I am sure you do too. But if you are like me and aren't really sure where to start then let me suggest this verse that I read yesterday as this seems to be as good of a place as any ...
"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2I love you all!
Finding Joy on the Journey ...
- Melody Faith
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