I battle on a daily basis with this need to be a "Super Christian."
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| Please excuse my crude drawing. |
For some it shows up in the form of being a "people pleaser" but I honestly don't think that's what I'm about. Do I want to disappoint people? No. But do I need to please all people? No. I can give you a list of people that if I did something to tick them off I'd be fine with it. Now as I type that sentence the Holy Spirit is totally convicting me about having that kind of attitude but for too many years I cared about what people thought of me and it mattered so much more to me than what God thought of me. Why? It may be because I knew that as child of God my relationship with Christ was secure but my relationship with people was/is not. (Even though I still struggle to accept how He sees me. It's a vicious cycle.)
I'm not sure where or when all of this started. I think the majority of this comes from being raised in the ministry and the understanding that everything I did was a reflection on my father. Please understand my parents didn't impose this burden on me ... well not entirely. My parents didn't expect supernaturally good behavior but they did expect us to behave and you better believe we were expected to behave at church! And there was this underlying thought that "Dad could get fired if I smart off to the ornery deacon who hasn't been friendly once in the 12 years we've been here." However, as we (my siblings and I) got older we were no longer expected to be at every service, revival or special event simply because my parents were. They knew we had our own interests and they gave us the freedom to choose. Most of the time we chose to be at the church because that's where our friends were, we actually did want to be there or we were leaders ourselves. Either way, it was our decision.
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| Circa 2007: My dad and I. I was in uber "Super Christian" Mode |
However somewhere in the midst of growing up and being called to ministry myself, I started feeling this desire to be the "perfect Christian". I wanted people to think "Wow! Bro. Bobby and Ms. Wanda have an amazing daughter. She sings, she teaches, she serves ... she does it all." And to be honest 85% of the time I loved every minute of what I was doing and was truly called to do it. I loved having friendships that spanned the entire church age-wise. I also loved feeling needed. I loved the praise I received. My words of affirmation heart thrived on the encouragement. It still does to this day. I think in many ways this was one place I wasn't rejected for what I loved ... the Lord. Of course, there were times that my level of devotion or the strength of my convictions were even balked at by church members. I was told that my standards on dating were too high and that's why I wasn't dating. May be they didn't know that I wasn't being asked out ... I don't know but while the world was rejecting me the church wasn't. Until ...
Until there came a time when God called my family away from a church we had been serving at for 6 and 1/2 years. This church will always hold a very dear place in my heart because it was where I became an adult and took on adult leadership responsibilities. It has taken some time for me to recognize this but it's true. Some of my dearest friendships came through this church. I am so thankful for this church. Much of who I am today was formed while I was there. When my family came to East Tennessee in 2002 I had just graduated from High School that May. I had always heard that college was an opportunity to reinvent yourself and in some ways I did. I really believe I blossomed while there.
I discovered that I had a sense of humor or at least an ability to bring laughter to other people. At first it was masked under layers of sarcasm but I've learned to soften that approach so as to not offend others. It's a tricky balance ... because I want people to laugh but I'm not looking to do so at the expense of others' feelings. I also learned that I have some style - I found a way to still dress modestly yet fashionably without looking like a prude. I don't think my 17 year old self would have ever believed either of those two things about me. I think in many ways my sense of humor/sarcasm was my tool to speak my mind on situations going on in the church when I had to be quiet. Let me tell you ... that is the hardest thing about growing up in the ministry! I know many people talk about how difficult it is for a pastor's wife to hear ugly things said about her husband but imagine being the child and hearing it about both your parents and you're expected to keep your mouth shut?! Or they say ugly things to you about you and you have to keep your mouth shut. Everyone is allowed an opinion about you and can express it except you. So I learned to laugh instead of cry and I got others to laugh in the process! :)
I used to pride myself on being "ministry smart" ... I mean I got "it" and in many ways I still do. I joke now that I'm a 30 year ministry veteran. I don't have to be involved in an area of ministry to "see" what's going on. There are some things that are just obvious. And then there are the underlying tensions that many people think are hidden that anyone who has been in ministry can spot a mile away. It is what it is. Ministry is tough. It's ugly. It's beautiful and it is without a doubt a calling. If you aren't called then let me make it clear ... you. will. not. make. it. You can play the game for a while but you will crash and burn eventually and you don't want to have to answer for that.
So why am I sharing all of this? I guess because today's "Jesus Calling" devo struck a nerve with me and I can't keep living like this. I can't keep beating myself up for being human. (That sounds so silly ... I know!) I can't be all things to all people. I can't keep striving to be the "Super Christian" any more. I can't. I can't. I simply can't. I have no desire to offend people with my words or actions and pray that everything I say and do will be seasoned in love but moving forward I'm starting fresh.
"Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults (especially with myself) because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:2-3
I am walking away broken and spent but lighter than I've been in many years and humbly ask that you keep me in your prayers.
I love you all ...
- Melody Faith
PS ... Please excuse the crude drawings but I needed a visual to go with my post today and this was incredibly cathartic in many ways.
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