Always Before Me

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure." Psalm 16:5-9 ESV

A friend emailed this passage to me yesterday after he read my "Fall Bucket List" post that spoke about leaving a legacy like my Uncle Ray.This passage has been a balm to my hurting soul. I miss my uncle. I hurt for my family - my aunt, my cousins and their families, my Mimi and my dad and the rest of us. I wish we could have had more time with him. It may be that in some ways I am grieving more fully over the loss of my Granddaddy Mullins 12 years ago. I can't help but to think of all that we could have shared with him in the last 12 years if he had still been with us and his death was just as unexpected and untimely for us as Uncle Ray's was but we have been reminded time and again that God is in control. He is sovereign. 

This summer has been one of many changes. First, I changed jobs. I went from one great job to another great job. I can say that both were brought into my life by the Lord at the right moment. Once again reminding me that He is sovereign in the area of my work life. Secondly, I entered into a dating relationship for the first time in my life. I learned so much through that process and I am so thankful for it. I've been blessed to be able to learn from the relationships that I've been around but to have firsthand experience is invaluable and to discover that I was the opposite of how I thought I would be in a relationship was just down right funny. Which showed me that He is sovereign in the timing of my love life. Thirdly, as many of you know the Lord called me to take a break at the end of March from singing on praise team and in the choir at my church. At the time the Lord gave me a peace about taking the break until August. It was so hard surrendering my music to Him but that is what He asked me to do. However, I learned to worship from the heart again when it hurt too much to sing out loud. I also grew closer in my relationship with the Lord because He was all I had left because I had given everything up at that point or at least that's what I thought. Even then, He was still sovereign.

Early in May the Lord started stirring something in my spirit but I kept pushing it away. Then I was in a relationship and while that impression was still there it wasn't as scary anymore. So towards the end of July, I met with my pastor to let him know that I was leaving our church to go support my then boyfriend's church. He was thrilled for me ... I was thrilled for me. It was great. Two weeks later that relationship ended. I remember that weekend sitting at home on Sunday morning thinking "now what?" And the Lord, through my quiet time, reminded me that He had already been stirring in my heart to leave my church and that my relationship was a convenient way to exit. Yes, He is sovereign. 

I realize you may be wondering why the Lord asked me to leave and I'll tell you the truth ... the Lord showed me that I had become to wrapped up in my identity as a soloist, praise team and choir member of the worship ministry at my church. Please don't misunderstand me, I love the Lord and it was an honor every time I was asked to minister through song. I did not take that lightly, however, I thought that was where my purpose was ... that was all I was good for and to be perfectly honest I had dug my heels in and I wasn't going to leave. Knowing how the Lord has called me to serve Him, I expected Him to only use me at my church and to provide a husband there as well. He may have planned too but in my mind He had no other option. I was already trying to wear the spiritual pants in my fictional marriage by deciding what church my non-existent husband and I would attend. If that sounds ridiculous it's because it is! Who am I to tell God what to do? Ugh! When will I get it? 

Well I get it now! While it would have been nice to be able to stay at my church and just get involved somewhere else for a time there is no way to be able to do that without it looking weird, raising a bunch of questions from well meaning folks and besides all that the Lord told me He didn't call me to be comfortable. So as heartbreaking of a decision as it has been I started visiting other churches this past Sunday. I have at least 10 that I know I want to visit ... and they vary from small/medium to medium/large. Some are contemporary, blended and traditional. Some I plan to visit just because I'm curious and others because I've always wanted to go there one Sunday. There is also the church where I got saved and sang my first solo that I will visit one Sunday simply for the joy of being there. 

Right now, I'm not looking at their music programs because I don't know how the Lord wants to use me in regards to music and I don't plan to let people know that I sing. I'll tell you something ... it's nice to go into a church and to just worship without having to be "on". I'll still sing when I'm asked to and for my dad's TV ministry but it will be up to the Lord as far as if or when I get involved beyond that. Also, please know I'm not looking at their singles ministries either. I have Christian Mingle for that. :) Seriously. My plan is to visit each church on my list at least once then decide on which one's I'd like to revisit and then I'll become more intentional about their ministries. But in the mean time, I am clinging to that part in Psalm 16:8 where it says, "I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." Should the Lord lead you to pray for me during this time I would be so grateful!

I love you all!

Blessings ...

- Melody